‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is I wish youfare well
I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying
Sometimes you just hear a song, and you think HOLY SHIT MY LIFE. The magic about music, is it evokes feeling. Pain. Sadness. Euphoria. Happiness. #allthethings. Music is magic; it transforms, transports and feeds the soul, sometimes healing it, even if just for a couple minutes.
I remember when my ex told me he wanted a divorce, I was a fucking wreck. I literally crumbled in my heart, my soul, and physically. The only thing that kept me sane was fitness. I remember my best friend Courtney telling me to listen to By the Grace of God by Katy Perry, and holy woah. That song played on repeat in my car for months. Literally. There were nights I rocked my baby to sleep and would collapse in so much sadness and pain and disbelief that this was my life. That overnight the rug was pulled out from under me, and every single thing I “knew” felt like a lie – an alien – a bad dream. Infidelity and selfishness from all angles destroyed me, my trust, and everything and anything I thought marriage and “normal” life was supposed to be like. To this day, I still feel jipped, but I’m no longer curled up on the bathroom floor asking the sky why this is my life (okay maybe sometimes I still ask that; I am a human being, and being a single mama is exhausting). I feel grateful and hashtag blessed for my sweet baby boy and the freedom I now have to be the kind of Mama he needs, in a judgement-free, emotionally safe place. I know it’s so fucking hard, but try to at least find a couple positives when it feels like your world is a war zone.
On top of going through divorce and custody rocking my world, I also have chronic back issues (4 herniated discs in my lower back) and most recently, also found out I have endometriosis. I struggle with anxiety and depression facing two chronic diseases (one of the spine and one of my abdomen), and get so frustrated I keep feeling like I take one step forward and go 179 back. BUT, those situations and diagnoses DO NOT DEFINE ME. I am strong. My mom and best friends and sister are my outlets and my rock. And I know that I’m being tested, but this is not the end. Hopefully it’s just a really really unlucky couple of years; there is beauty in the breakdown, so I’ll be here patiently (ahem, not so patiently, let’s be real) waiting for the light. But at the same time, never forgetting to light my own flame.
Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams, those horrible dreams, that seem like they last forever?
If I am alive, why? Why? If there is a God or whatever, something, somewhere, why have been I been abandoned by everyone and everything I’ve ever know? I’ve ever loved?
What is the lesson? What is the point?
God give me a sign or I have to give up. I can’t do this anymore.
Please just let me die, being alive hurts too much.”
So, whether you’re suffering from mental illness, from a breakup, from a divorce, leaving an abusive relationship or situation, or just trying to find peace from any sort of chronic plague coming at you in any shape of form….you have to listen to this new song by Ke$ha. Holy moly, if you’ve been through any hard shit, grab a tissue and que waterworks. Please, know you’re not alone. You’re not crazy. And damn it, keep the faith. For yourself.
This song is so powerful, and you can be “praying” for anything or anyone. Because your peace deserves all the attention, respect, and effort first and foremost.
When I hear the lyrics, “And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known. I’ve been thrown out, I’ve been burned…” I think of my endo, and how there’s no cure or true treatment; I think of my back and how many times it’s failed me and what I want to actively do; I think of my divorce and I want a re-do button. But I also think that I have my whole life ahead and will never stop fighting for peace and pain-fee days, emotionally and physically.
Cheers to anyone and everyone going through hell and back. I hope this song empowers you. You are worthy and you are strong and you are a fighter 🙏🏼🙌🏼
*all photos screenshotted from Ke$ha’s “Praying” video on her YouTube channel